lately, i have been feeling discouraged about the recovery process. i guess that is to be expected, because i am "better" enough to not be feeling the effects of actively living in sin, but not enough to not desire that lifestyle completely. i think it is easy to interpret Jesus' "take up your cross and follow Me" to mean everything except the deepest desires of your heart, because, hey, THOSE are "off limits" or not explicitly mentioned. but i have been learning that everyone's cross looks different, and one person's cross may change day to day. yet we are still called to die to ourselves daily, carry our cross, and look to our Savior. so what prevailing form has my cross taken lately? staying/being at a healthy weight. it is something i despise, but it could be worse, and i need to remember that. i need to nail my goal weight to the cross, and leave it there. it is partially a matter of trust; trusting that the Lord is indeed good and created my body in such a fashion that it will settle at a weight at which i can function and thrive. so i am doing it: wholly entrusting myself to my Savior; leaning into Him, and having faith that He will catch me.
another thought: there are a couple of people at furman that i have become insanely close to over the past 2 months. we're not just acquaintences; read: i cannot explain the connection i feel to these girls. i am learning so much from being in relationships with them: about honesty, about dealing with things as they come, about the meaning of truly entering into someone's life and loving them. i have to wonder to myself if this intense sense of community is a whiff of what the Lord truly intended his Body to feel.
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Lean into Him, sister. He won't let you fall. And don't forget that His arms and legs are all around you - we're here for you too.
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