there's nothing harder than learning how to receive.

the title is a lyric from, who else, OtR. the last few sundays, God has been smacking me in the face with the fact that i am utterly dependent on Him. toby preached 2 weeks ago on how hiding is not the safest place, that we need to be confessing our sin to Jesus and ourselves and others. i have been doing some scary confessing of my own since then to a few close believing friends. i wonder why intimacy is so hard, when it is something i crave so much...i guess it is the brokenness. namely, mine, because i also find it hard to be intimate with my Heavenly Lover. i place false assumptions on Him, underestimate His grace and overestimate His similarity to my own dark heart. i frequently imagine Him as far away and uncaring, when the truth is that He continues to draw near to me and His love is unfathomable. yesterday toby preached on psalm 136, which contains the refrain "His love endures forever." i thought i was exempt from the word i was about to hear; in reality, it nailed me right between the eyes. how quickly i forget His providence and rationalize His grace, feeling entitled to the things i have truly been granted. and yet, His unshakeable, unbreakable covenant love endures forever. toby challenged us to write our own psalm 136. i plan to do so this week.

as far as my checklist goes, i have been employed for over a week now in my city's family-owned gelateria and restaurant. it has been an eye-opening experience thus far, as it is my first job where i knew no one i was to work with before starting to work there. my insecurities have been kicked into high gear, but why? yes, my bosses could fire me if i don't do a good job. but...it's just gelato. when was the last time someone really took offense that their gelato didnt have an exact point that was precisely in the center of the cup? not that i am slacking off...maybe i should just put less pressure on myself. it is a fun environment, and the bossman said he might be sending me to barista school in a month or so! oh, the excitement i felt in hearing that!