i'm 18 now, complete with lottery tickets and a tattoo to prove it. yep, that's right; a tattoo. its the Hebrew word "ga'al" meaning "redeemed," and it is located on my left wrist as a constant reminder (and-maybe-a conversation piece.) my friend cheryl and i went to NC on tuesday to get it, and ended up having a fabulous time.
life at 18 isn't so bad, but i definitely am aware that i move into COLLEGE in 4 1/2 days. such craziness-i still feel like i am in high school. maybe that will change on tuesday. as always, i am wondering what really will change with this new phase of my life. i am wondering how stable i will be when submerged in...the essence of furman. i have been helping out with my church's youth group, so i am hoping that knowing i have responsibility with the girls (and accountability with one of the adults) will keep me straight. that's so sad, that my main influence isn't the Lord or respect for His body; fear of man issues run insanely deep with me, and they need to be broken.

update

the birthday dance on tuesday night was AMAZING. or, should i say, the danceS. yep, that's right, there was more than one, and i absolutely loved both of them. what ended up happening with the guy? talking. that's it. no dancing, no other stuff. just talking. and it was...nice. painful, but nice. i am fairly certain that something in me will always react to him, but it was definitely a lot more bearable than it could have been.
tomorrow i turn 18. i am excited and also a bit wary. there's just something about becoming an "adult" that the little kid in me refuses to accept; i still want to go play red rover and jump rope and draw beautiful chalk masterpieces on the sidewalk, not having to worry about GPAs and getting a job and millions of other things. however, turning 18 does have its advantages: i am planning to get a tattoo! I was going to get it tomorrow, but because of $$ and other things, I am going to wait until monday. i am planning to get the word for "redeemed" on my left wrist in all black. i am excited (and, yes, nervous...i want it to go smoothly!)

off to listen to the Word. i need it.

days go by, i'm hypnotized...

life seems to be moving all too fast; i feel like i am on physical, mental, and emotional overload this week. all of my friends from high school are now at college (with the exception of the one who is Furman-bound, of course.) I will be 18 in 2 1/2 days, legally old enough to vote, get the death penalty, buy tobacco, and order off infomercials. I decided to chill this morning and finally watch The Chronicles of Narnia since I had not gotten a chance to see it. It was good, but I was immensely distracted from the message by a sinking feeling in my stomach anytime Mr. Tumnas was onscreen. His mannerisms, his voice, his character were all eerily reminiscent of someone that I know, one of my biggest lapses of character ever. Just this week I was thinking how thankful I was that he hasn't been around, that I thought I was completely past everything with him...and now this. The temptation to rationalize contact, friendship...maybe more with him is pretty crazy right now, especially knowing that he could be there tonight at swing for my birthday dance. I haven't danced with him in a solid month...it could get the best of me.

random thoughts.

i have always been a homebody; that is, no matter where i enjoy being or doing, at some point, i always want to return home, at least to some extent. lately, i have been realizing that home is not what or where i thought it was. don't get me wrong; i have lived in the same house (in almost the same room) my entire life. but more and more, that physical building, while it is my "house" (at least until i move into college,) is not my home. home is not just one place anymore...it is many places. on sunday mornings, it is an old high school auditorium, filled with many believers. a hot, crowded dancefloor is my tuesday night home. and i have gradually started to find homes in some people as well...you see, i think home is truly where the heart is, where you can take off your shoes and everything else you carry around and truly be you. home is somewhere you feel safe. and every so often, when i manage to let my guard down (or, more often, the Lord tears down my pretenses to where i must be my true self) i actually find that there IS a place for me in others' lives, hearts, and homes. very cool.

in other thought news, i have been thinking a lot about my relationship with God. i could go on for many paragraphs about the different aspects of what i have been thinking about, but i will sum it all up in a few words: redemption. marriage. (true) freedom. want to know more? ask.

redemption song

life. what craziness.
i am ever so slowly learning about purity/chastity/redemption. sometimes it seems like a losing battle, one that does not matter in the grand scheme of things. but lately i have been catching glimpses of just how important it is. if you want to talk about it more, please don't hesitate to let me know.
i meet my roommate tomorrow. i am nervous, but i think it is going to be a good year with her. i have already told her about eating stuff, and she was totally supportive and amazing, which was a HUGE relief. kind of awkward, because obviously i do not know her, but i felt like she should know.
man, i am tired. i will finish this post later.

random update.

back from the beach, and a few small things have happened since then.

-i got my braces off on monday! after having them since 10th grade, it is really weird to actually have them gone.
-i found out my housing and roommate info on tuesday. i will be living in lakeside, which is not where i wanted to be, but thankfully, it has everything else that i wanted. as far as my roommate goes, she and i still haven't made contact, but i hope that will change soon. apparently, she is catholic, so if she is open, maybe i can learn more about catholicism.
-i went over to the house of some women from redeemer last night. i had been at home all day and overflow was cancelled, so i called kristy, one of the women i have been getting to know through church. she invited me to dinner and a 24 episode viewing, along with her roommate caroline, another rpc'er elizabeth, and a guy from swing, rusty. i got to walk this ENORMOUS dog before we sat down to enchiladas, salad, refried beans, and peach pie. i had half an enchilada, which may not be a huge deal, but it kind of is for me, being able to sit down in front of 3 women that i look up to (all who are absolutely gorgeous), to a meal that i do not know the calorie content on, and actually consume and keep something down. it gives me hope for college and supper club tonight.
speaking of which, i made cheesecake for supper club tonight. it is way hippie-fied, and i love it! except that the big one (i made a big one and a small one) split in the middle :( but that is okay...its only my second attempt at cheesecake. hopefully it will be a big hit.

ladies and gentlemen, blogging...at the beach.
so how is it, you ask?

i am church-sick. i am truly feeling the distance between me and my church community right now. i wonder if they realize how much they mean to me; how much i enjoy coming together with each and every one of them to worship our Lord, sharing the daily occurences of our lives together, and (miraculously) even praising God through eating and drinking with them. I have never felt this kind of connection (and, consequently this week, chasm) before in my life. I feel this is a glimpse of how the Lord intended community to be.

other than that, the beach is okay. lots and lots of family time equals a lot of different emotions for all of us, and i think we are all experiencing the gambit of them.

but now, the putt-putt course calls my name; i think i will go beat my mom again :)