suitcase

stealing away on a sunny day...

so, for usability sake, i decided to move over to wordpress, where my photoblog is. of course, this was decided when i was supposed to be doing my psych paper…oops.

light trails and falling leaves

two week old flowers still lay on top of my microwave, their shriveled beauty just a shadow of what they once were. try as i might, i haven't found the heart yet to place them in the trash bin. seeing them reminds me of a whirlwind of emotion: new people, starlit talks, and spending time with someone who made feel like the most special girl in the room, even though i wasn't the one in the gorgeous white dress. it seems, as the weather turns and the leaves fall, i am finding myself doing the same.

and yet somehow through it all, my mind is supposed to be here. this term is so different than the past three. work work work, but i don't have a single grade for psych 22 yet; its a little scary. i feel increasingly disenchanted with the psych department as this class drags on. i find myself praying prayers too big for my little heart and mind to handle, yet too small in comparison with a ginormous God. i have been pondering what my passions are as of late, thinking about the things i would do if there was nothing on my schedule for the coming years. i want to take pictures, millions and millions of pictures, each documenting a specific, wonderful, heartbreaking moment in the lives of those around me. i feel like peter pan, not wanting to grow up or old; i wonder if photography is my way of slowing things down, taking things one frame at a time. life is more manageable if seen through a viewfinder. and yet i don't want things to fit inside my parameters; i want to be messy and free. i want to dance in the streets, have my heart bursting with joy and passion and brokenness for the world i live in, the world i am not bound to forever. i want to fingerpaint and graffiti about the Lord's promises, sing praises loudly and not care how they sound, shout my questions and doubts and fears to the wise One in the middle of fields and not be ashamed, because He is bigger than all of them. where is the major where I do all of that? i know majors are hardly everything, i just don't want to waste my time sitting in a class discussing stimulus control when there is so much to be done, so much living and loving and praying and crying and hoping and healing to do.

it is times like these, those rare moments where i truly feel alive and the fire is kindled that i think i get glimpses of where my heart was meant to be.

JesusBranded

so, there's a company that i have been stalking for a while that makes awesome shirts, JesusBranded.com. they take awesome art and combine scripture references to make sweet clothing combos, and right now, they are offering the first 100 bloggers a free shirt if they promo; how awesome is that? so, yeah...check them out!

suddenly i see

just when i think i have managed to screw everything up...i am proved wrong.
im not in charleston right now. panicky irrationality led me to stay here. but guess what. a boy from charleston is coming up to see me tomorrow. i am apparently worth the heartache and the disappointment today, and the drive tomorrow.
sometimes the Lord just drops blessings into my lap when i least expect it.
this one just happens to be amazing and very cute.

there's nothing harder than learning how to receive.

the title is a lyric from, who else, OtR. the last few sundays, God has been smacking me in the face with the fact that i am utterly dependent on Him. toby preached 2 weeks ago on how hiding is not the safest place, that we need to be confessing our sin to Jesus and ourselves and others. i have been doing some scary confessing of my own since then to a few close believing friends. i wonder why intimacy is so hard, when it is something i crave so much...i guess it is the brokenness. namely, mine, because i also find it hard to be intimate with my Heavenly Lover. i place false assumptions on Him, underestimate His grace and overestimate His similarity to my own dark heart. i frequently imagine Him as far away and uncaring, when the truth is that He continues to draw near to me and His love is unfathomable. yesterday toby preached on psalm 136, which contains the refrain "His love endures forever." i thought i was exempt from the word i was about to hear; in reality, it nailed me right between the eyes. how quickly i forget His providence and rationalize His grace, feeling entitled to the things i have truly been granted. and yet, His unshakeable, unbreakable covenant love endures forever. toby challenged us to write our own psalm 136. i plan to do so this week.

as far as my checklist goes, i have been employed for over a week now in my city's family-owned gelateria and restaurant. it has been an eye-opening experience thus far, as it is my first job where i knew no one i was to work with before starting to work there. my insecurities have been kicked into high gear, but why? yes, my bosses could fire me if i don't do a good job. but...it's just gelato. when was the last time someone really took offense that their gelato didnt have an exact point that was precisely in the center of the cup? not that i am slacking off...maybe i should just put less pressure on myself. it is a fun environment, and the bossman said he might be sending me to barista school in a month or so! oh, the excitement i felt in hearing that!

to halley.

You would be four tomorrow.
Surreal.
That’s the only way to describe this.
After trying so hard not to feel in the beginning, I find myself, some four and a half years later, fighting to express the emotion behind this time.

I am still mourning.
I grieve the happy times.
Finger paintings we would have made together to put up everywhere; the entire world made into a gallery for your squiggles and lines.
Pushing you on the swing set, wind in your hair, giggles mingling with sunlight in the summer air.
Zoo trips to see the animals, watching your awe in seeing them, telling you about their colors and that all are friends from the God who created us.
Time spent curled up in bed, listening to the rain as it refreshes the spring buds.

But I also grieve the less happy times.
Scaring the monsters from under your bed.
Rocking you back to sleep after a scary dream in the wee hours of the morning.
Kissing your cuts from falling on the pavement outside.
Comforting you during shots and scary visits to the doctor, my heart breaking at your terror and the anticipated pain.

More than anything, dear one, I grieve not being able to hold you.

But now I am seeing that we are both being held,
I, here on Earth, and you, in Heaven.
Our Father, the One who loves you more completely than I ever could, is watching over me, slowly bringing me out of my sadness into a place of peace.
Not that I have ever stopped missing you, little one.
But the more I get to know our Father, the more I see how much He loves us,
And the more I understand how much better it is that you are with Him right now.
Yes, in these moments, we are both being held by Him, and in that shared experience...
our hearts are together.

You would be four tomorrow.
Happy birthday, my little angel.
I am sending you up a balloon.

i will not get physically involved outside a committed relationship. i will not get physically involved outside a committed relationship. i will not get physically involved outside a committed relationship. i will not get physically involved outside a committed relationship...

--EDIT--

apparently, physical involvement should have been the least of my worries...

things to do this summer.

-get a job. this takes first priority over anything else (minus Jesus and family-related things) on the list.
-have a quiet time every day.
-go to the GA aquarium.
-play frisbee at least once a week.
-go on photo adventures.
-catch up with friends.
-dance when possible.
-take time to do something with little sister at least once every other day (try every day though!)
-do things around the house without being asked.
-hang out with and get to know the girls in the youth group better.
-audition for a play. ((i miss them terribly.))
-see a Braves game ((not sure this is possible, but its definitely an ambition!))
-go to charleston at least once to visit that cute, geeky boy who loves Jesus.
-get my cartilage piercing healthy.

hard decision

so, its official. i am not going to LP.
my head is going a million miles an hour in different directions.
i am disappointed, but not allowing myself to be miserable. this was my choice, and the Lord can redeem it for His glory. hopefully now i can get some sleep at night, and less of a headache.

"Sometimes it hurts too much to peel back the layers and feel what’s under there. Yet what we’re not healing is hurting us somehow. I believe that the more I share my life and process honestly, the more I can heal, and, in turn, help others to heal." -Sark

stealin away on a sunny day...

it's been a while since i have posted. three months, to be exact.
i am officially done with the school year, as of 9:45 this morning. it is incredibly surreal; i do not leave until tomorrow to go home, but have started taking things down slowly. how can such a big, important span of time have passed so quickly? i feel like a completely different person now. new things/experiences that have happened since entering furman:
1. tons of new loves: the motorcycle diaries, bubble tea, waho.
2. seeing over the rhine. in concert. twice. within 48 hours. (and meeting them before the second show!) no promises...but i have my fingers crossed to see them again in, oh, a little over 3 days.
3. learning so much, about so many things. yes, academically, i have learned lots (and proceeded to cram and then core dump lots), but even more than that, i have learned so much about life. over the past eight months, i have come back to life. it has been a very slow progression, and it is still ongoing, but a friend pointed it out to me earlier, and they are right. i entered college barely hanging onto my sanity and grasping for ways to feel alive again, looking in all directions except really Jesus. These past few months, He has been calling me to Him. I related it to another friend earlier like this:

I have been playing outside, and, as children are inevitable to do, I have gotten hurt, both by my choices and the brokenness of the place I am in. In an effort to stop the hurt, I have been seeking bandaids to fix my hurts, my fears about what is coming next, my questions. They have only made it worse. I have been sitting outside, sad, hurt, and having convinced myself that I am alone, when really, my Father is standing on the porch, calling me to Himself, asking me to come to Him so He can fix those same questions, wounds, and fears. He is ready and willing...all I have to do is come.
it is a wonderful realization.

i am still processing the year, and will be adding more as it comes to me.

new addition

i just started a photo-a-day blog. check it out...

here.

downtown

today's post is brief, written from one of my favorite places, coffee underground.

God is good.
the longer I am a Christian, the more I realize two things:
(1) i will never perfect "the basics"
and
(2) i will never understand all of God until I go home.

and that is okay.

pondering...

thought from the "jacob's diner" shirt on jesusbranded.com:

"it may taste good...but is it worth my inheritance?"

the answer is pretty obvious.
but rationalizing has already started.

brittany's top 10 songs of 2007

as the year draws to a close, i am reflecting back on the songs that were the soundtrack of the journey to the person i have become over the past 12 months. here they are, in no particular order.

1. fly-sara groves
i just found this song on my ipod yesterday, but i have been listening to and thinking about it since. for me, i picture it as a sort of prayer to Jesus..."tell me once again why i am your bride...so i can fly"-reassurance of who i am to Christ is such a sweet thing.

2. the hug poem-bradley hathaway
not really a song, but definitely a track on this year's cd. hugs are becoming one of my favorite gestures; they can convey so much. "im just a kid with a heavy heart these passing sunrises and sunsets"-its okay to come to Jesus, honest and broken.

3. less like scars-sara groves
sara shows up again, but this was actually the first song i had ever heard of hers, and still one of my favorites. "and in your hands, the pain and hurt look less like scars and more like character"-Jesus can take our brokenness, those places we dont want anyone to know about, bring them to the light, and use them for His glory. very very cool.

4. it don't matter to the sun-rosie thomas
this song shows up for several reasons, the first being that i discovered the wonder that is rosie thomas this fall, and was blown away by her stage presence, beautiful lyrics, and great music. the reason this particular song has meandered onto my list is because i have been on both ends of this situation this year, the leaver and the left. "There will be tomorrow even if you choose to leave, cause it don't matter to the sun, no, no; it matters to me."

5. courage-superchick
this song has been on my life's soundtrack since i heard it last summer. i relate to it in a lot of ways, both obvious and less tangible. "You should know you're not on your own, these secrets are walls that keep us alone. I don't know when but what I know now: together we'll make it through somehow."-i have been learning this year (more intensely in the last few months) about relying on Jesus and His Body. we weren't made to be lone ranger christians. and the secrets we hide because they are "too dark?" everyone has them, in one way or another. nothing is too big for Jesus to handle. and trying to be open and honest with the community of believers He has placed us in is such a huge step, but can be an enormous blessing if you take that step. i am on my way to doing so.

6. i will not take my love away-matt wertz
the theme of this song is unconditional love. its what Jesus offers all of us, even if we do not always accept it. He is amazing.

7. diamond ring-pedro the lion
the first pedro song i heard, and my favorite. it is heartbreaking...God offering me so much, and so often, me pushing it back in His face. the second verse and bridge get me every time.

8. latter days-over the rhine
over the rhine could have an entire cd of their own as part of my life's soundtrack. but i think i will stick with this song. its...yeah.

9. dearly we're bought-red mountain music
one of my favorite praise songs that we sing at redeemer. "Lift up your ravished eyes, and view the glory given; all lower things despised, ye citizens of heaven."

10. Jesus, i my cross have taken-indelible grace
i heard this song for the first time this year. another one of my favorites...i cant pick my favorite verse.

so there you have it; my soundtrack to 2007. im ready to hit play on 2008.

Joy to the world; the Lord has come.

hope has entered this broken world.

amen.

entertaining thoughts...

lately, i have been feeling discouraged about the recovery process. i guess that is to be expected, because i am "better" enough to not be feeling the effects of actively living in sin, but not enough to not desire that lifestyle completely. i think it is easy to interpret Jesus' "take up your cross and follow Me" to mean everything except the deepest desires of your heart, because, hey, THOSE are "off limits" or not explicitly mentioned. but i have been learning that everyone's cross looks different, and one person's cross may change day to day. yet we are still called to die to ourselves daily, carry our cross, and look to our Savior. so what prevailing form has my cross taken lately? staying/being at a healthy weight. it is something i despise, but it could be worse, and i need to remember that. i need to nail my goal weight to the cross, and leave it there. it is partially a matter of trust; trusting that the Lord is indeed good and created my body in such a fashion that it will settle at a weight at which i can function and thrive. so i am doing it: wholly entrusting myself to my Savior; leaning into Him, and having faith that He will catch me.

another thought: there are a couple of people at furman that i have become insanely close to over the past 2 months. we're not just acquaintences; read: i cannot explain the connection i feel to these girls. i am learning so much from being in relationships with them: about honesty, about dealing with things as they come, about the meaning of truly entering into someone's life and loving them. i have to wonder to myself if this intense sense of community is a whiff of what the Lord truly intended his Body to feel.

i am on my first date with james b. duke. i have a feeling that this will not be a serious relationship.

speaking of relationships, i am no good at them. the longer i am in them (whether they be romantic or otherwise) i see more effects of the Fall, more recently in my selfishness. i do not want to talk at 11:30 at night when i have a headache and am already in bed. i do not want to spend time calling when i know that i could be spending time sleeping or doing other things. i do not want to put myself out there by being honest. i do not want to put the effort in to communicate. sadly, all those feelings also translate to my relationship with God. i have not been spending one on one time with Him for selfish reasons. i had not even made the overall connection until just now, but its totally true. and that does not sadden my heart nearly as much as it should.

i can tell that we are gonna be friends...

alison, laura (milo), and me.

its thanksgiving break. after a few days with lots of confusing tears, i came to a realization: i think they are good; a definite sign God has answered my prayers and the prayers of those around me. i was not the only one who was worried about me making [positive] friends at college, and several people joined with me in praying about it. the Lord has blessed me immensely by surrounding me with amazing Christians. and while the current separation is not pleasant, its pretty sweet knowing that our bonds aren't dictated by how close we are distance wise, but yet that we are all united together in Christ and are supporting each other through prayer and encouragement while we are apart.

which i think is how the Church is supposed to be. speaking of which, i joined redeemer, the church i have been attending since new year's eve. i have blogged previously about how much i adore the church, and i still feel that way. in fact, as i am now an official member (though i have not been publicly presented) i love it that much more. i got to participate in the baptism of two of the kids sunday, taking the vow with the other members to uphold and support the parents and children involved, and it was an amazing experience. vowing to be in each other's lives, through the good times and the hard times, supporting each other when we are struggling, rejoicing during marriages and births and glimpses of redemption, speaking Truth to each other when the world whispers lies from all directions, and continually striving not to point to ourselves but to Christ.

redemption is a word i never heard growing up. it is a fairly new addition to my vocabulary, but it is a concept that often leaves me awestruck and humbled. i have been talking about it a lot more, especially now that i have it tattooed on my body for life. but i think a good question, one that has been brought up several times recently, is: am i truly living like i believe in redemption?
grant talked about redemption on sunday night. ((brief discourse: i love community group, but sunday night worship hits a completely different part of my heart. singing, being challenged, taking communion and then standing in a circle surrounded with other believers...i find so much encouragement in it.)) anyway, on sunday night, we sang "dearly we're bought" (one of my absolute favorite songs ever) and then grant talked from colossians 3:1-17. some thoughts from his talk:
-"dearly we're bought"-the price was high, it cost dearly
-"highly esteemed"-God looks highly upon His people; "my delight is in her" (isaiah 62)
-"redeemed with Jesus' blood, redeemed"-The Prince thought we were worth the sacrifice of His life
-Colossians 3:5-no one is exempt from these sins, but they DO NOT characterize us in Christ!
-Christ will not let His bride go...ever. He will fight for her, love her, take care of her.

Then we sang "in Christ alone," another GREAT song ("and as He stands in victory, sin's curse has lost its grip on me..") and grant said "only in Christ are we 'dearly bought, highly esteemed and redeemed.' how should this change the way we live?" which totally brought several things to my mind. then we took communion and sang isaiah 43, which i have blogged about before; hearing "i am the Lord, do not fear" repeated over and over gives me chill bumps every time. it was a great time of togetherness in the Lord, and in hindsight, it really was a blessing to have my heart focused on the Lord to begin my week this week. it has been a rollercoaster, but He is in control. That is so scary...but definitely best.