suitcase

stealing away on a sunny day...

so, for usability sake, i decided to move over to wordpress, where my photoblog is. of course, this was decided when i was supposed to be doing my psych paper…oops.

light trails and falling leaves

two week old flowers still lay on top of my microwave, their shriveled beauty just a shadow of what they once were. try as i might, i haven't found the heart yet to place them in the trash bin. seeing them reminds me of a whirlwind of emotion: new people, starlit talks, and spending time with someone who made feel like the most special girl in the room, even though i wasn't the one in the gorgeous white dress. it seems, as the weather turns and the leaves fall, i am finding myself doing the same.

and yet somehow through it all, my mind is supposed to be here. this term is so different than the past three. work work work, but i don't have a single grade for psych 22 yet; its a little scary. i feel increasingly disenchanted with the psych department as this class drags on. i find myself praying prayers too big for my little heart and mind to handle, yet too small in comparison with a ginormous God. i have been pondering what my passions are as of late, thinking about the things i would do if there was nothing on my schedule for the coming years. i want to take pictures, millions and millions of pictures, each documenting a specific, wonderful, heartbreaking moment in the lives of those around me. i feel like peter pan, not wanting to grow up or old; i wonder if photography is my way of slowing things down, taking things one frame at a time. life is more manageable if seen through a viewfinder. and yet i don't want things to fit inside my parameters; i want to be messy and free. i want to dance in the streets, have my heart bursting with joy and passion and brokenness for the world i live in, the world i am not bound to forever. i want to fingerpaint and graffiti about the Lord's promises, sing praises loudly and not care how they sound, shout my questions and doubts and fears to the wise One in the middle of fields and not be ashamed, because He is bigger than all of them. where is the major where I do all of that? i know majors are hardly everything, i just don't want to waste my time sitting in a class discussing stimulus control when there is so much to be done, so much living and loving and praying and crying and hoping and healing to do.

it is times like these, those rare moments where i truly feel alive and the fire is kindled that i think i get glimpses of where my heart was meant to be.

JesusBranded

so, there's a company that i have been stalking for a while that makes awesome shirts, JesusBranded.com. they take awesome art and combine scripture references to make sweet clothing combos, and right now, they are offering the first 100 bloggers a free shirt if they promo; how awesome is that? so, yeah...check them out!

suddenly i see

just when i think i have managed to screw everything up...i am proved wrong.
im not in charleston right now. panicky irrationality led me to stay here. but guess what. a boy from charleston is coming up to see me tomorrow. i am apparently worth the heartache and the disappointment today, and the drive tomorrow.
sometimes the Lord just drops blessings into my lap when i least expect it.
this one just happens to be amazing and very cute.

there's nothing harder than learning how to receive.

the title is a lyric from, who else, OtR. the last few sundays, God has been smacking me in the face with the fact that i am utterly dependent on Him. toby preached 2 weeks ago on how hiding is not the safest place, that we need to be confessing our sin to Jesus and ourselves and others. i have been doing some scary confessing of my own since then to a few close believing friends. i wonder why intimacy is so hard, when it is something i crave so much...i guess it is the brokenness. namely, mine, because i also find it hard to be intimate with my Heavenly Lover. i place false assumptions on Him, underestimate His grace and overestimate His similarity to my own dark heart. i frequently imagine Him as far away and uncaring, when the truth is that He continues to draw near to me and His love is unfathomable. yesterday toby preached on psalm 136, which contains the refrain "His love endures forever." i thought i was exempt from the word i was about to hear; in reality, it nailed me right between the eyes. how quickly i forget His providence and rationalize His grace, feeling entitled to the things i have truly been granted. and yet, His unshakeable, unbreakable covenant love endures forever. toby challenged us to write our own psalm 136. i plan to do so this week.

as far as my checklist goes, i have been employed for over a week now in my city's family-owned gelateria and restaurant. it has been an eye-opening experience thus far, as it is my first job where i knew no one i was to work with before starting to work there. my insecurities have been kicked into high gear, but why? yes, my bosses could fire me if i don't do a good job. but...it's just gelato. when was the last time someone really took offense that their gelato didnt have an exact point that was precisely in the center of the cup? not that i am slacking off...maybe i should just put less pressure on myself. it is a fun environment, and the bossman said he might be sending me to barista school in a month or so! oh, the excitement i felt in hearing that!

to halley.

You would be four tomorrow.
Surreal.
That’s the only way to describe this.
After trying so hard not to feel in the beginning, I find myself, some four and a half years later, fighting to express the emotion behind this time.

I am still mourning.
I grieve the happy times.
Finger paintings we would have made together to put up everywhere; the entire world made into a gallery for your squiggles and lines.
Pushing you on the swing set, wind in your hair, giggles mingling with sunlight in the summer air.
Zoo trips to see the animals, watching your awe in seeing them, telling you about their colors and that all are friends from the God who created us.
Time spent curled up in bed, listening to the rain as it refreshes the spring buds.

But I also grieve the less happy times.
Scaring the monsters from under your bed.
Rocking you back to sleep after a scary dream in the wee hours of the morning.
Kissing your cuts from falling on the pavement outside.
Comforting you during shots and scary visits to the doctor, my heart breaking at your terror and the anticipated pain.

More than anything, dear one, I grieve not being able to hold you.

But now I am seeing that we are both being held,
I, here on Earth, and you, in Heaven.
Our Father, the One who loves you more completely than I ever could, is watching over me, slowly bringing me out of my sadness into a place of peace.
Not that I have ever stopped missing you, little one.
But the more I get to know our Father, the more I see how much He loves us,
And the more I understand how much better it is that you are with Him right now.
Yes, in these moments, we are both being held by Him, and in that shared experience...
our hearts are together.

You would be four tomorrow.
Happy birthday, my little angel.
I am sending you up a balloon.

i will not get physically involved outside a committed relationship. i will not get physically involved outside a committed relationship. i will not get physically involved outside a committed relationship. i will not get physically involved outside a committed relationship...

--EDIT--

apparently, physical involvement should have been the least of my worries...