beauty from brokenness

suitcase

2008-09-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

stealing away on a sunny day...

so, for usability sake, i decided to move over to wordpress, where my photoblog is. of course, this was decided when i was supposed to be doing my psych paper…oops.

light trails and falling leaves

2008-09-25T10:53:00.000-07:00

two week old flowers still lay on top of my microwave, their shriveled beauty just a shadow of what they once were. try as i might, i haven't found the heart yet to place them in the trash bin. seeing them reminds me of a whirlwind of emotion: new people, starlit talks, and spending time with someone who made feel like the most special girl in the room, even though i wasn't the one in the gorgeous white dress. it seems, as the weather turns and the leaves fall, i am finding myself doing the same.

and yet somehow through it all, my mind is supposed to be here. this term is so different than the past three. work work work, but i don't have a single grade for psych 22 yet; its a little scary. i feel increasingly disenchanted with the psych department as this class drags on. i find myself praying prayers too big for my little heart and mind to handle, yet too small in comparison with a ginormous God. i have been pondering what my passions are as of late, thinking about the things i would do if there was nothing on my schedule for the coming years. i want to take pictures, millions and millions of pictures, each documenting a specific, wonderful, heartbreaking moment in the lives of those around me. i feel like peter pan, not wanting to grow up or old; i wonder if photography is my way of slowing things down, taking things one frame at a time. life is more manageable if seen through a viewfinder. and yet i don't want things to fit inside my parameters; i want to be messy and free. i want to dance in the streets, have my heart bursting with joy and passion and brokenness for the world i live in, the world i am not bound to forever. i want to fingerpaint and graffiti about the Lord's promises, sing praises loudly and not care how they sound, shout my questions and doubts and fears to the wise One in the middle of fields and not be ashamed, because He is bigger than all of them. where is the major where I do all of that? i know majors are hardly everything, i just don't want to waste my time sitting in a class discussing stimulus control when there is so much to be done, so much living and loving and praying and crying and hoping and healing to do.

it is times like these, those rare moments where i truly feel alive and the fire is kindled that i think i get glimpses of where my heart was meant to be.

JesusBranded

2008-09-03T10:03:00.000-07:00

so, there's a company that i have been stalking for a while that makes awesome shirts, JesusBranded.com. they take awesome art and combine scripture references to make sweet clothing combos, and right now, they are offering the first 100 bloggers a free shirt if they promo; how awesome is that? so, yeah...check them out!

suddenly i see

2008-08-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

just when i think i have managed to screw everything up...i am proved wrong.
im not in charleston right now. panicky irrationality led me to stay here. but guess what. a boy from charleston is coming up to see me tomorrow. i am apparently worth the heartache and the disappointment today, and the drive tomorrow.
sometimes the Lord just drops blessings into my lap when i least expect it.
this one just happens to be amazing and very cute.

there's nothing harder than learning how to receive.

2008-07-07T14:14:00.000-07:00

the title is a lyric from, who else, OtR. the last few sundays, God has been smacking me in the face with the fact that i am utterly dependent on Him. toby preached 2 weeks ago on how hiding is not the safest place, that we need to be confessing our sin to Jesus and ourselves and others. i have been doing some scary confessing of my own since then to a few close believing friends. i wonder why intimacy is so hard, when it is something i crave so much...i guess it is the brokenness. namely, mine, because i also find it hard to be intimate with my Heavenly Lover. i place false assumptions on Him, underestimate His grace and overestimate His similarity to my own dark heart. i frequently imagine Him as far away and uncaring, when the truth is that He continues to draw near to me and His love is unfathomable. yesterday toby preached on psalm 136, which contains the refrain "His love endures forever." i thought i was exempt from the word i was about to hear; in reality, it nailed me right between the eyes. how quickly i forget His providence and rationalize His grace, feeling entitled to the things i have truly been granted. and yet, His unshakeable, unbreakable covenant love endures forever. toby challenged us to write our own psalm 136. i plan to do so this week.

as far as my checklist goes, i have been employed for over a week now in my city's family-owned gelateria and restaurant. it has been an eye-opening experience thus far, as it is my first job where i knew no one i was to work with before starting to work there. my insecurities have been kicked into high gear, but why? yes, my bosses could fire me if i don't do a good job. but...it's just gelato. when was the last time someone really took offense that their gelato didnt have an exact point that was precisely in the center of the cup? not that i am slacking off...maybe i should just put less pressure on myself. it is a fun environment, and the bossman said he might be sending me to barista school in a month or so! oh, the excitement i felt in hearing that!

to halley.

2008-06-14T12:28:00.000-07:00

You would be four tomorrow.
Surreal.
That’s the only way to describe this.
After trying so hard not to feel in the beginning, I find myself, some four and a half years later, fighting to express the emotion behind this time.

I am still mourning.
I grieve the happy times.
Finger paintings we would have made together to put up everywhere; the entire world made into a gallery for your squiggles and lines.
Pushing you on the swing set, wind in your hair, giggles mingling with sunlight in the summer air.
Zoo trips to see the animals, watching your awe in seeing them, telling you about their colors and that all are friends from the God who created us.
Time spent curled up in bed, listening to the rain as it refreshes the spring buds.

But I also grieve the less happy times.
Scaring the monsters from under your bed.
Rocking you back to sleep after a scary dream in the wee hours of the morning.
Kissing your cuts from falling on the pavement outside.
Comforting you during shots and scary visits to the doctor, my heart breaking at your terror and the anticipated pain.

More than anything, dear one, I grieve not being able to hold you.

But now I am seeing that we are both being held,
I, here on Earth, and you, in Heaven.
Our Father, the One who loves you more completely than I ever could, is watching over me, slowly bringing me out of my sadness into a place of peace.
Not that I have ever stopped missing you, little one.
But the more I get to know our Father, the more I see how much He loves us,
And the more I understand how much better it is that you are with Him right now.
Yes, in these moments, we are both being held by Him, and in that shared experience...
our hearts are together.

You would be four tomorrow.
Happy birthday, my little angel.
I am sending you up a balloon.

2008-06-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

i will not get physically involved outside a committed relationship. i will not get physically involved outside a committed relationship. i will not get physically involved outside a committed relationship. i will not get physically involved outside a committed relationship...

--EDIT--

apparently, physical involvement should have been the least of my worries...

things to do this summer.

2008-06-07T13:47:00.000-07:00

-get a job. this takes first priority over anything else (minus Jesus and family-related things) on the list.
-have a quiet time every day.
-go to the GA aquarium.
-play frisbee at least once a week.
-go on photo adventures.
-catch up with friends.
-dance when possible.
-take time to do something with little sister at least once every other day (try every day though!)
-do things around the house without being asked.
-hang out with and get to know the girls in the youth group better.
-audition for a play. ((i miss them terribly.))
-see a Braves game ((not sure this is possible, but its definitely an ambition!))
-go to charleston at least once to visit that cute, geeky boy who loves Jesus.
-get my cartilage piercing healthy.

hard decision

2008-06-04T05:07:00.001-07:00

so, its official. i am not going to LP.
my head is going a million miles an hour in different directions.
i am disappointed, but not allowing myself to be miserable. this was my choice, and the Lord can redeem it for His glory. hopefully now i can get some sleep at night, and less of a headache.

2008-06-03T02:29:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes it hurts too much to peel back the layers and feel what’s under there. Yet what we’re not healing is hurting us somehow. I believe that the more I share my life and process honestly, the more I can heal, and, in turn, help others to heal." -Sark

stealin away on a sunny day...

2008-05-27T10:14:00.000-07:00

it's been a while since i have posted. three months, to be exact.
i am officially done with the school year, as of 9:45 this morning. it is incredibly surreal; i do not leave until tomorrow to go home, but have started taking things down slowly. how can such a big, important span of time have passed so quickly? i feel like a completely different person now. new things/experiences that have happened since entering furman:
1. tons of new loves: the motorcycle diaries, bubble tea, waho.
2. seeing over the rhine. in concert. twice. within 48 hours. (and meeting them before the second show!) no promises...but i have my fingers crossed to see them again in, oh, a little over 3 days.
3. learning so much, about so many things. yes, academically, i have learned lots (and proceeded to cram and then core dump lots), but even more than that, i have learned so much about life. over the past eight months, i have come back to life. it has been a very slow progression, and it is still ongoing, but a friend pointed it out to me earlier, and they are right. i entered college barely hanging onto my sanity and grasping for ways to feel alive again, looking in all directions except really Jesus. These past few months, He has been calling me to Him. I related it to another friend earlier like this:

I have been playing outside, and, as children are inevitable to do, I have gotten hurt, both by my choices and the brokenness of the place I am in. In an effort to stop the hurt, I have been seeking bandaids to fix my hurts, my fears about what is coming next, my questions. They have only made it worse. I have been sitting outside, sad, hurt, and having convinced myself that I am alone, when really, my Father is standing on the porch, calling me to Himself, asking me to come to Him so He can fix those same questions, wounds, and fears. He is ready and willing...all I have to do is come.
it is a wonderful realization.

i am still processing the year, and will be adding more as it comes to me.

new addition

2008-02-27T18:37:00.000-08:00

i just started a photo-a-day blog. check it out...

here.

downtown

2008-02-26T14:55:00.000-08:00

today's post is brief, written from one of my favorite places, coffee underground.

God is good.
the longer I am a Christian, the more I realize two things:
(1) i will never perfect "the basics"
and
(2) i will never understand all of God until I go home.

and that is okay.

pondering...

2008-01-01T20:57:00.000-08:00

thought from the "jacob's diner" shirt on jesusbranded.com:

"it may taste good...but is it worth my inheritance?"

the answer is pretty obvious.
but rationalizing has already started.

brittany's top 10 songs of 2007

2007-12-28T10:48:00.000-08:00

as the year draws to a close, i am reflecting back on the songs that were the soundtrack of the journey to the person i have become over the past 12 months. here they are, in no particular order.

1. fly-sara groves
i just found this song on my ipod yesterday, but i have been listening to and thinking about it since. for me, i picture it as a sort of prayer to Jesus..."tell me once again why i am your bride...so i can fly"-reassurance of who i am to Christ is such a sweet thing.

2. the hug poem-bradley hathaway
not really a song, but definitely a track on this year's cd. hugs are becoming one of my favorite gestures; they can convey so much. "im just a kid with a heavy heart these passing sunrises and sunsets"-its okay to come to Jesus, honest and broken.

3. less like scars-sara groves
sara shows up again, but this was actually the first song i had ever heard of hers, and still one of my favorites. "and in your hands, the pain and hurt look less like scars and more like character"-Jesus can take our brokenness, those places we dont want anyone to know about, bring them to the light, and use them for His glory. very very cool.

4. it don't matter to the sun-rosie thomas
this song shows up for several reasons, the first being that i discovered the wonder that is rosie thomas this fall, and was blown away by her stage presence, beautiful lyrics, and great music. the reason this particular song has meandered onto my list is because i have been on both ends of this situation this year, the leaver and the left. "There will be tomorrow even if you choose to leave, cause it don't matter to the sun, no, no; it matters to me."

5. courage-superchick
this song has been on my life's soundtrack since i heard it last summer. i relate to it in a lot of ways, both obvious and less tangible. "You should know you're not on your own, these secrets are walls that keep us alone. I don't know when but what I know now: together we'll make it through somehow."-i have been learning this year (more intensely in the last few months) about relying on Jesus and His Body. we weren't made to be lone ranger christians. and the secrets we hide because they are "too dark?" everyone has them, in one way or another. nothing is too big for Jesus to handle. and trying to be open and honest with the community of believers He has placed us in is such a huge step, but can be an enormous blessing if you take that step. i am on my way to doing so.

6. i will not take my love away-matt wertz
the theme of this song is unconditional love. its what Jesus offers all of us, even if we do not always accept it. He is amazing.

7. diamond ring-pedro the lion
the first pedro song i heard, and my favorite. it is heartbreaking...God offering me so much, and so often, me pushing it back in His face. the second verse and bridge get me every time.

8. latter days-over the rhine
over the rhine could have an entire cd of their own as part of my life's soundtrack. but i think i will stick with this song. its...yeah.

9. dearly we're bought-red mountain music
one of my favorite praise songs that we sing at redeemer. "Lift up your ravished eyes, and view the glory given; all lower things despised, ye citizens of heaven."

10. Jesus, i my cross have taken-indelible grace
i heard this song for the first time this year. another one of my favorites...i cant pick my favorite verse.

so there you have it; my soundtrack to 2007. im ready to hit play on 2008.

2007-12-25T12:15:00.000-08:00

Joy to the world; the Lord has come.

hope has entered this broken world.

amen.

entertaining thoughts...

2007-12-16T18:23:00.000-08:00

lately, i have been feeling discouraged about the recovery process. i guess that is to be expected, because i am "better" enough to not be feeling the effects of actively living in sin, but not enough to not desire that lifestyle completely. i think it is easy to interpret Jesus' "take up your cross and follow Me" to mean everything except the deepest desires of your heart, because, hey, THOSE are "off limits" or not explicitly mentioned. but i have been learning that everyone's cross looks different, and one person's cross may change day to day. yet we are still called to die to ourselves daily, carry our cross, and look to our Savior. so what prevailing form has my cross taken lately? staying/being at a healthy weight. it is something i despise, but it could be worse, and i need to remember that. i need to nail my goal weight to the cross, and leave it there. it is partially a matter of trust; trusting that the Lord is indeed good and created my body in such a fashion that it will settle at a weight at which i can function and thrive. so i am doing it: wholly entrusting myself to my Savior; leaning into Him, and having faith that He will catch me.

another thought: there are a couple of people at furman that i have become insanely close to over the past 2 months. we're not just acquaintences; read: i cannot explain the connection i feel to these girls. i am learning so much from being in relationships with them: about honesty, about dealing with things as they come, about the meaning of truly entering into someone's life and loving them. i have to wonder to myself if this intense sense of community is a whiff of what the Lord truly intended his Body to feel.

2007-11-29T14:24:00.000-08:00

i am on my first date with james b. duke. i have a feeling that this will not be a serious relationship.

speaking of relationships, i am no good at them. the longer i am in them (whether they be romantic or otherwise) i see more effects of the Fall, more recently in my selfishness. i do not want to talk at 11:30 at night when i have a headache and am already in bed. i do not want to spend time calling when i know that i could be spending time sleeping or doing other things. i do not want to put myself out there by being honest. i do not want to put the effort in to communicate. sadly, all those feelings also translate to my relationship with God. i have not been spending one on one time with Him for selfish reasons. i had not even made the overall connection until just now, but its totally true. and that does not sadden my heart nearly as much as it should.

i can tell that we are gonna be friends...

2007-11-20T12:11:00.000-08:00

alison, laura (milo), and me.

its thanksgiving break. after a few days with lots of confusing tears, i came to a realization: i think they are good; a definite sign God has answered my prayers and the prayers of those around me. i was not the only one who was worried about me making [positive] friends at college, and several people joined with me in praying about it. the Lord has blessed me immensely by surrounding me with amazing Christians. and while the current separation is not pleasant, its pretty sweet knowing that our bonds aren't dictated by how close we are distance wise, but yet that we are all united together in Christ and are supporting each other through prayer and encouragement while we are apart.

which i think is how the Church is supposed to be. speaking of which, i joined redeemer, the church i have been attending since new year's eve. i have blogged previously about how much i adore the church, and i still feel that way. in fact, as i am now an official member (though i have not been publicly presented) i love it that much more. i got to participate in the baptism of two of the kids sunday, taking the vow with the other members to uphold and support the parents and children involved, and it was an amazing experience. vowing to be in each other's lives, through the good times and the hard times, supporting each other when we are struggling, rejoicing during marriages and births and glimpses of redemption, speaking Truth to each other when the world whispers lies from all directions, and continually striving not to point to ourselves but to Christ.

2007-10-23T11:12:00.000-07:00

redemption is a word i never heard growing up. it is a fairly new addition to my vocabulary, but it is a concept that often leaves me awestruck and humbled. i have been talking about it a lot more, especially now that i have it tattooed on my body for life. but i think a good question, one that has been brought up several times recently, is: am i truly living like i believe in redemption?
grant talked about redemption on sunday night. ((brief discourse: i love community group, but sunday night worship hits a completely different part of my heart. singing, being challenged, taking communion and then standing in a circle surrounded with other believers...i find so much encouragement in it.)) anyway, on sunday night, we sang "dearly we're bought" (one of my absolute favorite songs ever) and then grant talked from colossians 3:1-17. some thoughts from his talk:
-"dearly we're bought"-the price was high, it cost dearly
-"highly esteemed"-God looks highly upon His people; "my delight is in her" (isaiah 62)
-"redeemed with Jesus' blood, redeemed"-The Prince thought we were worth the sacrifice of His life
-Colossians 3:5-no one is exempt from these sins, but they DO NOT characterize us in Christ!
-Christ will not let His bride go...ever. He will fight for her, love her, take care of her.

Then we sang "in Christ alone," another GREAT song ("and as He stands in victory, sin's curse has lost its grip on me..") and grant said "only in Christ are we 'dearly bought, highly esteemed and redeemed.' how should this change the way we live?" which totally brought several things to my mind. then we took communion and sang isaiah 43, which i have blogged about before; hearing "i am the Lord, do not fear" repeated over and over gives me chill bumps every time. it was a great time of togetherness in the Lord, and in hindsight, it really was a blessing to have my heart focused on the Lord to begin my week this week. it has been a rollercoaster, but He is in control. That is so scary...but definitely best.

musings on otr: round 2!

2007-10-19T22:12:00.001-07:00

ok, please allow me one fangirl moment.
I MET OVER THE RHINE!!!!!

okay, moment over.
but seriously. i did. they were outside the handlebar before otr:round two when i was walking in. they were really cool about me being all spastic to meet them. i was trying to be cool and not ask for a picture...but i wish i had.
the concert was, once again, amazing. there was enough variety that i didnt get tired of the music (like that could happen!) but it did follow the same general setlist. i still absolutely loved karin playing the cookie sheet on "dont wait for tom"....crazy times.

(mel's reaction to not meeting over the rhine like i did)

i was thinking tonight about the trumpet child cd, and how there is one song i generally avoid on it. and then i realized why "the trumpet child" makes me uneasy. there is so much soul, so much power and passion, true honesty in the lyrics and music...i truly believe every time i hear it could be a time when Jesus comes back. there was a point tonight when the music came to a swell and Karin's voice took on this tone...i swear i could hear a trumpet playing and all i could think was "here it comes..." as a Christian, i feel kind of ashamed that i am scared of a song that may or may not have any true indication of the Second Coming. i think it is the uncertainty that does it to me. i mean, there is always a bit of uncertainty about life, but as for where, when, and how Jesus is coming back? that is totally up in the air, at least to me. there is so much i do not understand, do not want to think about, and just pretty much shut out of my mind. does this make me a bad person? (answer: i am already a bad person, so no, feeling this way doesnt MAKE me bad. but i should probably be more jubilant than fearful about my Redeemer's return.)

either way, it was a great concert, even just 2 days later. i think this week has firmly cemented over the rhine's status as one of my favorite bands ever.

i don't wanna waste your time...

2007-10-18T13:17:00.000-07:00

if you want a recap of one of the best nights of my life, check out my friend mel's blog @ http://melboles.blogspot.com.
she put it beautifully.

2007-10-11T14:41:00.000-07:00

After this there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades.In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed. One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?”The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.”Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked.-John 5:1-9a

i want to be healed.
i need to recover.
i am going to get better.

there is a pregnant anticipation, like the one i feel when i am standing out on the floor right before starting to dance with a great lead. i do not know what is coming next, but i know it is going to be good.

the Lord is the ultimate lead.
i am praying He will teach me how to be a better follow.

this is going to be good.

all must work for good to me

2007-10-05T18:12:00.000-07:00

its been a while. i have been at furman for a month now, although that doesn't seem possible. things here are intense; i mean, i had heard all along that furman would be challenging, but i do not think i realized to what extent the intensity is spread. everything here is competitive, from grades to exercise to how many religious groups you can cram into your schedule. thankfully, i have definitely begun to develop relationships with some awesome people who are very supportive and encouraging. the Lord is providing an awesome core group for this transition time.
speaking of the Lord, He is pretty amazing. going to RUF has been great; i have felt like the gospel has been brought every week thus far. this week hit especially hard. tim talked about building God's Kingdom instead of our own. it was heart breaking, convicting, honest, and absolutely full of Truth. i am starting to pray that i will be able to follow the "thread" no matter where it leads, even if that means i am left feeling like i am fumbling in the dark.

2007-08-30T14:27:00.001-07:00

i'm 18 now, complete with lottery tickets and a tattoo to prove it. yep, that's right; a tattoo. its the Hebrew word "ga'al" meaning "redeemed," and it is located on my left wrist as a constant reminder (and-maybe-a conversation piece.) my friend cheryl and i went to NC on tuesday to get it, and ended up having a fabulous time.
life at 18 isn't so bad, but i definitely am aware that i move into COLLEGE in 4 1/2 days. such craziness-i still feel like i am in high school. maybe that will change on tuesday. as always, i am wondering what really will change with this new phase of my life. i am wondering how stable i will be when submerged in...the essence of furman. i have been helping out with my church's youth group, so i am hoping that knowing i have responsibility with the girls (and accountability with one of the adults) will keep me straight. that's so sad, that my main influence isn't the Lord or respect for His body; fear of man issues run insanely deep with me, and they need to be broken.

update

2007-08-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

the birthday dance on tuesday night was AMAZING. or, should i say, the danceS. yep, that's right, there was more than one, and i absolutely loved both of them. what ended up happening with the guy? talking. that's it. no dancing, no other stuff. just talking. and it was...nice. painful, but nice. i am fairly certain that something in me will always react to him, but it was definitely a lot more bearable than it could have been.
tomorrow i turn 18. i am excited and also a bit wary. there's just something about becoming an "adult" that the little kid in me refuses to accept; i still want to go play red rover and jump rope and draw beautiful chalk masterpieces on the sidewalk, not having to worry about GPAs and getting a job and millions of other things. however, turning 18 does have its advantages: i am planning to get a tattoo! I was going to get it tomorrow, but because of $$ and other things, I am going to wait until monday. i am planning to get the word for "redeemed" on my left wrist in all black. i am excited (and, yes, nervous...i want it to go smoothly!)

off to listen to the Word. i need it.

days go by, i'm hypnotized...

2007-08-21T08:11:00.000-07:00

life seems to be moving all too fast; i feel like i am on physical, mental, and emotional overload this week. all of my friends from high school are now at college (with the exception of the one who is Furman-bound, of course.) I will be 18 in 2 1/2 days, legally old enough to vote, get the death penalty, buy tobacco, and order off infomercials. I decided to chill this morning and finally watch The Chronicles of Narnia since I had not gotten a chance to see it. It was good, but I was immensely distracted from the message by a sinking feeling in my stomach anytime Mr. Tumnas was onscreen. His mannerisms, his voice, his character were all eerily reminiscent of someone that I know, one of my biggest lapses of character ever. Just this week I was thinking how thankful I was that he hasn't been around, that I thought I was completely past everything with him...and now this. The temptation to rationalize contact, friendship...maybe more with him is pretty crazy right now, especially knowing that he could be there tonight at swing for my birthday dance. I haven't danced with him in a solid month...it could get the best of me.

random thoughts.

2007-08-18T09:49:00.000-07:00

i have always been a homebody; that is, no matter where i enjoy being or doing, at some point, i always want to return home, at least to some extent. lately, i have been realizing that home is not what or where i thought it was. don't get me wrong; i have lived in the same house (in almost the same room) my entire life. but more and more, that physical building, while it is my "house" (at least until i move into college,) is not my home. home is not just one place anymore...it is many places. on sunday mornings, it is an old high school auditorium, filled with many believers. a hot, crowded dancefloor is my tuesday night home. and i have gradually started to find homes in some people as well...you see, i think home is truly where the heart is, where you can take off your shoes and everything else you carry around and truly be you. home is somewhere you feel safe. and every so often, when i manage to let my guard down (or, more often, the Lord tears down my pretenses to where i must be my true self) i actually find that there IS a place for me in others' lives, hearts, and homes. very cool.

in other thought news, i have been thinking a lot about my relationship with God. i could go on for many paragraphs about the different aspects of what i have been thinking about, but i will sum it all up in a few words: redemption. marriage. (true) freedom. want to know more? ask.

redemption song

2007-08-08T20:20:00.000-07:00

life. what craziness.
i am ever so slowly learning about purity/chastity/redemption. sometimes it seems like a losing battle, one that does not matter in the grand scheme of things. but lately i have been catching glimpses of just how important it is. if you want to talk about it more, please don't hesitate to let me know.
i meet my roommate tomorrow. i am nervous, but i think it is going to be a good year with her. i have already told her about eating stuff, and she was totally supportive and amazing, which was a HUGE relief. kind of awkward, because obviously i do not know her, but i felt like she should know.
man, i am tired. i will finish this post later.

random update.

2007-07-26T12:08:00.000-07:00

back from the beach, and a few small things have happened since then.

-i got my braces off on monday! after having them since 10th grade, it is really weird to actually have them gone.
-i found out my housing and roommate info on tuesday. i will be living in lakeside, which is not where i wanted to be, but thankfully, it has everything else that i wanted. as far as my roommate goes, she and i still haven't made contact, but i hope that will change soon. apparently, she is catholic, so if she is open, maybe i can learn more about catholicism.
-i went over to the house of some women from redeemer last night. i had been at home all day and overflow was cancelled, so i called kristy, one of the women i have been getting to know through church. she invited me to dinner and a 24 episode viewing, along with her roommate caroline, another rpc'er elizabeth, and a guy from swing, rusty. i got to walk this ENORMOUS dog before we sat down to enchiladas, salad, refried beans, and peach pie. i had half an enchilada, which may not be a huge deal, but it kind of is for me, being able to sit down in front of 3 women that i look up to (all who are absolutely gorgeous), to a meal that i do not know the calorie content on, and actually consume and keep something down. it gives me hope for college and supper club tonight.
speaking of which, i made cheesecake for supper club tonight. it is way hippie-fied, and i love it! except that the big one (i made a big one and a small one) split in the middle :( but that is okay...its only my second attempt at cheesecake. hopefully it will be a big hit.

2007-07-14T13:07:00.000-07:00

ladies and gentlemen, blogging...at the beach.
so how is it, you ask?

i am church-sick. i am truly feeling the distance between me and my church community right now. i wonder if they realize how much they mean to me; how much i enjoy coming together with each and every one of them to worship our Lord, sharing the daily occurences of our lives together, and (miraculously) even praising God through eating and drinking with them. I have never felt this kind of connection (and, consequently this week, chasm) before in my life. I feel this is a glimpse of how the Lord intended community to be.

other than that, the beach is okay. lots and lots of family time equals a lot of different emotions for all of us, and i think we are all experiencing the gambit of them.

but now, the putt-putt course calls my name; i think i will go beat my mom again :)

desiring freedom on the 4th

2007-07-04T08:37:00.001-07:00

the urge to walk out my front door, get in my car, and just keep going until everything is better is overwhelming right now.

if you really knew me.

2007-06-07T12:53:00.000-07:00

so, on a website that i have not visited in a while, i found a new section, called "if you really knew me." i felt somewhat inspired, so here is my own version.

If You Really Knew Me, You'd Know That...

i will avoid talking on the phone if there is any other way to communicate
i am very afraid of growing up and dealing with all the things a grown-up must think about, even though i try to act as mature as possible
i want to make a difference in the world
i desire to be a mother more than anything else in this world
i do not want you to give up on me, even if i say i do
not knowing about next year really does bother me
i want to know and be known desperately
my job drives me crazy
swing dancing is my passion, but sometimes i feel like i am too passionate about it
all i need is a smile, a hug, a pleasant remark, and it can change my whole day
other people intrigue me, and i wish i could make a job out of loving people, sharing their lives during the good and the bad times; i think this is a small part in my desire to go into counseling, apart from my past
i am not out of the woods yet, and i do not know if i will ever be, this side of heaven, but while there are hard moments i can see the Lord redeeming and sustaining me

the love of God is the hymn of hope

2007-06-04T10:57:00.000-07:00

as always, yesterday's service at redeemer really spoke to me. one of the first songs we sang was "isaiah 43" and during the chorus, the congregation splits, and the men sing "I am the Lord" and the women sing "Do not fear" several times. i had never heard this song, but when we came to that part, i was so struck, i just listened to the sound of God's people singing....it was overwhelming, just hearing "I am the Lord...Do not fear....I am the Lord...Do not fear...I am the Lord." it felt like such a reminder that God IS God, and He is in control of whatever lies ahead. i also liked another part of the song "for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are Mine." WOW. and then we sang one of my favorite hymns ever, "it is well with my soul." afterwards, we read psalm 63...here is a portion of it:

"O God, You are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and wearly land where there is no water...because You are my help, i sing in the shadow of Your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."

and then the sermon. toby spoke on the Lord's Supper, using 1st Corinthians 10:14-17. some of the points that hit me:

verse 14 is a COMMAND, not a suggestion.
idolatry: where you go for security/comfort/when you are grumpy; to where does your heart run?
idols are well worn paths; the old way of doing things cannot be the new way of doing things; you cannot come to the Table if your attitude is "Tomorrow will be the same as yesterday"
if i am one of His, i AM changing, it just may be at the rate of a tree
the picture of Jesus saying "this is My body, poured out for promise breakers like you" to peter (and all Christians)
there is a bitter sweetness to the Table
i can not possibly be more secure than i am-if security is what i long for, Christ offers it; i just have to receive the gift

i have never really thought about the Lord's Supper; i just have accepted it at face value, and that has been it. but the sermon made me think a lot about what it truly means...how it is a participation in the Body, and how it is Jesus saying "This is my body and blood, broken for you, by you."

dang.

2007-05-28T06:09:00.000-07:00

the Lord works in strange ways. i have been consistently...astounded at the ways He has protected me from...myself and others. an example? right now, my biggest temptation is an ocean away. which marked the third week that something came up so that we could not hang out. some may argue that it was mere coincidence, but i know better: there are people interceding for me, praying for my protection, and i know that their prayers are being heard and answered.

in other news, furman seems less and less feasible every day. i am beginning to wonder about college in general. i found a girl on facebook who is looking for a Christian roommate to stay at a house down the street from redeemer, and the set up thus far seems almost ideal. if furman does not work out, i am strongly considering moving in up there, enrolling in greenville tech, and getting a job in TR. it would save so much money on gas (i drive to and from TR, and then to and from wade hampton blvd. every sunday) and college, and i think it would be good to get out and gain a little bit of Independence. actually, i have been pondering on moving out, working, and saving $$ during the fall so that maybe i could go to l'abri in the spring. i dont know; i am praying about it.

musings on church

2007-05-26T12:05:00.000-07:00

i have realized something lately: i love church. i do not know if i have ever truly been able to say that up until this point. i think for a long time that i felt like "loving church" entailed simply waking up on sunday morning and not wanting to go back to sleep. i do not think this is true anymore. i think loving church has a lot more to do with connecting and caring about the people, being challenged by the teachings, and desiring to come along side to help and participate in the vision being strived for. don't get me wrong; sunday is now one of my favorite days of the week, because i know that i can worship corporately in the morning and honestly listen and share in the evenings with these people who are fast becoming my family. the communication is not just on sundays either, which is really cool. i get so excited to see new emails in my inbox from my super cool community group containing things to pray about or talking about our next meetings or sharing parts of our lives with one another. honestly, i did not expect much the first time i visited redeemer; i almost figured that sunday would be no different than any of the others in my 17 years of life. thankfully, i was wrong. though i did not see a single soul that i knew, i still could sense the community this church contained. the 2nd sunday, i knew jenny, but received multiple invitations both to lunches and community groups from other people in the church. this blew me away! i had never encountered this kind of...hospitality (?....i am not sure this is the right word...) anywhere, but especially not a church! as i have begun to visit redeemer more frequently, i have started relationships with people, people who are wonderful and honest and broken. it is so encouraging and astounding to see the Lord working in these people's lives, and in my own. before i started going to redeemer, my counselor ashley told me that she thought i was starving spiritually-i was not getting fed on a constant basis spiritually. but last session, she told me that she has seen a profound change in me and my attitude toward the Lord, and consequently recovery. i just praise God He drew me to Himself and redeemer before it was too late.

thoughts...

2007-05-24T13:19:00.000-07:00

"Prudence is an important Christian virtue; it is the ability to wait out decisions until the right course is clear; it is the opposite of impetuosity: the tendency to act quickly and think later. Fundamental to prudence is the ability to consider consequences: the ability to make decisions with the future/end in mind, and not just the dictates of the moment. Wisdom has a strong consequence orientation. We must think practically about what is likely to come of a certain decision: what will be the consequences, both positive and negative? Sacrificing momentary satisfaction for true satisfaction is ‘paying in advance.’ “Would you rise in the world? You must work while others amuse themselves. Are you desirous of a reputation of courage? You must risk your life. Would you become strong morally or physically? You must resist temptation. All this is paying in advance. That is prospective finance. Observe the other side of the picture. The bad things are always paid for afterward"-Winston Churchill

I feel like this quote sums up what God has been teaching me lately. In several situations in my life, decisions are pending, and I am being called to pay in advance. While I am used to thinking briefly ahead, some of these decisions have consequences that I would continue to "pay for" longer than just briefly. Some of these situations include relations with the opposite sex, friendships, and where I am headed to college. I feel seriously out of control in all these situations, so the temptation is to quickly patch things so I do not feel this way, but I am praying the Lord would give me patience, prudence, and peace.